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Valentine's Day - Massacre style!
Now with 10% more murder than most people's valentines!

Below is a pictorial walk-through of my interactive valentine's day present from Mr. Smeddley. It is perhaps the cleverest present to date, and he's really raised the bar. Also, the number of understood jokes and whatnot made me realize how bloody long we've been together...

And now...

In the envelope:
"Thank the Lord youíve arrived detective! My name is Jeeves, and I am the master of the houses gentleman. That is to sayÖ I butle, sir. The master hasnít been seen for some time and I fear that something terrible has befallen him. There are numerous guests currently staying in the manor at present and if you ask me I am more than a little suspicious of some of them. Perhaps you should interview the guests as well as the household staff in search of CLUEs as to the whereabouts of the master. I believe that you will find the notorious gangster Mr. Green in the billiards room through this door."

(Jeeves! Plus, a cute bow-tie and pin buttons...)

In the envelope:
"Yeah, Iím Mr. Green. Whatís it to ya, copper? Somethinís up on Valentineís Day so you just assume that the alleged gangster had somethiní to do with it. I think that if you examine my revolver youíll find that all of the bullets are still in it. Just in case you canít figure it out, Iíll do the math for ya. None plus none plus none plus none plus none plus none equals noneÖ as in thatís how many shots have been fired from this gun. If I were you Iíd look at the staff. I think that I heard the housekeeper, Mrs. White banging around in the kitchen, why donít you go bug her and leave me alone."

(That is a really cool dart gun! It fires a good distance and with surprising accuracy)

In the envelope:
"Oh dear, you startled me detective. As you can see Iím terribly busy with cleaning this brand new KNIFE. As you can see it hasnít even been used yet. I havenít seen the master in quite some time, but thatís not unusual given how much housework I have to do. Perhaps you might try Mrs. Peacock, who is taking her lunch right now in the dining room."

(*swoon* An awesome set of Wustof knives! Also, it's a little hard to see in this picture but she has a cute little cap made out of construction paper on her head...)

In the envelope:
"Well hello detective, wonít you come in and have a seat at this lovely table? Arenít these candlesticks lovely? Iíll bet theyíre worth a pretty penny too. What was that? Yes, Iím Mrs. Peacock. What was that? Of course I know that Iím actually a parrot but my last husband, God rest his dearly departed soul, had such lovely plumage that he thought he was a peacock and I just didnít have the heart to contradict him. [SighÖ] Such lovely blue plumage on that handsome Norwegian hunk-o-bird, itís such a shame that heís now an ex-parrot. At least he provided well for me in the will. Iím sorry, what was it you wanted? No, I donít know anything about where he might be but I did hear that femme fatale, Miss Scarlet, yelling at someone in the hall."

(Really, can you ever go wrong with a Monty Python reference?)

In the envelope:
"Can you believe that! Walking around like that, with his trousers barely covering his rear end! Although I will admit that it was a rather nice rear end. Regardless, like I would ever have anything to do with a lowly plumber! Iím sorry, what was that? No, I havenít seen him since dinner last evening. Maybe that creepy Professor Plum has seen him. The last time I saw him he was heading down to the library. No, of course that isnít my wrench, the plumber must have dropped it, I suppose Iíll have to go return it to him."

(Not only did he find my childhood tiara, but he made her a dress out of construction paper. And now I own a pipe wrench!)

In the envelope:
"Fascinating! Did you know that Hobbits are naturally pickled? That would make storing them very easy. Why am I down here? If you must know, Iím am looking for books regarding the building of temporary bridges. What does that have to do with Hobbits!?! Nothing!!! Why are you asking me about Hobbits!?! I donít even know what the little treasure-stealing bastards are, never heard of Ďem!!!!! This rope? Iím using it as a model in my research of course, itís not like Iím trying to design a Hobbit trap or something! Now go away and leave me alone, why donít you go pester Col. Mustard. Heís probably upstairs in the study where he can be around all those stuffed animals from his safari expeditions."

(Please note the FUCHSIA and PERIWINKLE dragon masquerading as a pink&purple dragon! His exact coloration is a very, very, VERY long-standing dispute in our household...)

In the envelope:
"What ho? Ah, well met detective. Yes I bought all of these back from my many safaris. Whatís that? Youíd like to travel. Smashing good fun traveling, especially if you go to the right place. NORWAY!?! Why on earth would you want to go to Norway? Holy crap! I wouldnít even relieve myself on Norway. No, where you want to go is Kenya, thatís the only place you can see lions, not to mention tigers and zebraÖ not to mention the snorkeling is much better. What, what? No, Iíve been too busy trying to figure out why that plumber ran out of here so fast he dropped this piece of lead pipe. But Iíll tell you what, I did hear some strange noises coming from the guest bedroom down the hall earlier this morning."

(Gotta love the construction-paper mustache...)

In the envelope:
"Dear Mr. Black and White,
I canít take it anymore! I have only tolerated your behavior for this long because of your name! I have only one word to say to youÖ NEVERMORE!!!!!!!!"

(Here's where I have to actually use my brain. And where it gets even more clever. Nevermore is the name of our Raven - also, the deceased skunk's name it Potpourri, Po for short. As in... yes, Edgar Allen Poe and the Raven... I had to remember where Nevermore was and track him down.)

In the envelope:
"Okay, so you caught me. Why, I just could take the incessant "maaaagic" anymore! What the hell does "reply hazy" mean? Of course I didnít use any of those weapons, too easy and they all leave marks. So I just slipped a little something into his midmorning snack."

(Okay, there's a lot to explain, but to sum up, Potpourri is a Magic skunk, and he functions a lot like a Magic 8 ball. Also, he likes peanut butter. So, back to the kitchen it is!)

In the envelope:
"Congratulations detective you have solved the case, you have discovered the identity of the murderer as well as established a motive and discovered the murder weapon. Now that you have proved you skills maybe you should help Nancy Drew solve one too."

(There was a $20 rewards certificate to Best Buy in the envelope, to buy me a new game. Also, that present in the background was perfume, and I'm ashamed to admit it didn't completely click at first - hey, my brain'd had a workout!. It's Poison by Dior. Yup, I'm sure y'all get it right off!)

TADA!

So my Valentine's Day haul is:
A toy dart gun
A set of knives
A candlestick set
A pipe wrench
A rope
A length of pipe
And Poison.


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